It’s the Happiest Time of the Year (Getting There, Anyway)

I decided to start my Christmas shopping early. I hate shopping…the crowds, the long lines, the screaming, temper-tantrum-throwing brats, the rudeness of some salespeople and shoppers, the insanity of the holiday. But this year, I think I’ve discovered gifts that are sure to please everyone.

And now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to draft my letter to the big guy up north….

Dear Santa:

I haven’t been good this year…but come on, did you really expect me to change this late in the game? Do you think you could overlook it just this once? I’ve already accumulated enough coal to start my own energy co-op. (Hey, President Obama got re-elected…maybe I’ll qualify for one of those government bailouts!)  

I’m really not asking for much–just this:

Think about it, okay? It would keep me off the streets…most of the time. And I won’t be putting out cookies and milk like the kids do. Bring me the TV and you’ll find rum balls…and peppermint schnapps. Christmas can’t get merrier than that! Just watch out for the cop who lives down the street.

By the way, who was the blonde chick in the Victoria’s Secret getup? She sure didn’t look like Mrs. Claus. What’s that you say? Blackmail is such an ugly word….