Missouri Norma and the Fast Food Restaurants of Doom

A few years ago, a medical study showed that people who live within walking distance of a fast food restaurant have a 40% higher risk of developing heart disease and/or having a stroke.

I’m screwed. Big time.

We live within walking distance of 42 of them. Well, that’s 42 restaurants. Not all of them are fast food joints. Some are…others are family dining or more upscale establishments. Four are buffets–five if I’m allowed to include Golden Corral, which isn’t really within walking distance–but very close. 

Anyone who knows me knows I can’t cook. The only thing I do with any level of expertise in the kitchen is set it on fire. I do takeout. I’m great at takeout. And nuking food. Without a microwave and a can opener, I’d starve. 

It’s a good thing Collin works in a restaurant.

It’s a good thing he brings dinner home most nights. Or is it?

(There’s one thing I don’t understand about the growing fast food options, however. Is there really such a high demand for spicy food? Jack in the Box, for example, recently introduced the Hot Mess burger. I didn’t try one, even when a buy-one-get-one-free offer showed up in my text messages. Nor have I tried their newest offering, the Jalapeno Ranch Ultimate Cheeseburger. Years of living with acid reflux has taught me to steer clear of such things. McDonald’s also has a couple of hot/spicy sandwiches on their menu, like the Buffalo Ranch McChicken and the Bacon Habanero Ranch Quarter Pounder. Last Saturday, Collin brought home some takeout from Taco Bell–including a new item, the quesarito. Had I known it had chipotle sauce in it, I would have avoided it like a vampire faced with a basket full of garlic.)

Today is my birthday. Collin signed both of us up for every rewards club for every participating restaurant within a ten-mile radius, so my email box is currently loaded with emails for free birthday meals, most of which will have to be used within the next two weeks. That’s not going to be easy.

Angioplasty, anyone?

28 responses

  1. Your system ate my previous comment when it took me to signing in to my Google profile.

    I said, 'Happy Birthday' – and plan ahead to survive. Suggestion: eat a lot of salads with grilled chicken, dressing on the side – enjoy your daily birthday cupcakes – and have a protein shake for breakfast. No reason it can't be fun.

  2. Can you take them apart and freeze them ? ? ?
    So I would say eat carefully for breakfast and lunch and then enjoy your special dinners !

    Happy Happy Birthday. . .
    Let there be cake !

    cheers, parsnip

  3. I can step off my front porch and see Dairy Queen, there's a pizza place three blocks from here, and a convenience store with some truly wonderful chicken just past that. Sadly, the Chinese food place across the street closed down, but I don't think that's going to save me.

  4. What's up with cooking yourself? Mind you I'm not adverse to fast food but I love curry from the local Indian. Now that is Hot, mind you my son cooks a mean one as well. Happy Birthday

  5. @ Bill: The fire department specifically asked me not to cook. Thanks!

    @ Mike: Thanks–much appreciated!

    @ Hilary: Thank you, thank you, thank you! (And I wasn't going to celebrate this year….)

  6. Came over from William's page! Pretty sad state of affairs with all those fast foods.
    My hubby is currently on a cleansing diet, it's tough to do. He's never cooked, but I did get a new food processor out of it. THing is, he doesn't like quinoa or couscous. It's been hell!

  7. I am only now catching up. HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

    As for your question, I grew up eating spicy foods. But I have no idea about take away as I hate hate hate eating out. Also, we don't own a dinger machine. So no, ding ding, dinner is done.

    PS: I love fresh jalapenos on a homemade beef burger. YUM!

  8. @ Tanya: Thank you!

    @ Jennifer: That would be a tough diet to stick to, I think. I have considered a blender–we love smoothies and figure we can make some healthy ones.

    I have reached the point at which I really don't want any kind of meat most of the time. That, at least, is a good thing.

    @ Ivy: Thank you! But you're a good cook. No takeout you might get would ever measure up.

    I hear spicy foods are good for losing weight. I can't remember what, exactly, they do, but it has something to do with metabolism.

  9. Oh no, so much temptation Norma 🙂 I haven't always loved to cook but for some unknown reason that P is very happy about I do now, go figure! I am a huge fan of chili AND garlic and I read somewhere today, that garlic doesn't keep vampires away, so there goes that theory 🙂 You'll have to tell us which one of the birthday dinners you went with!

  10. Happy belated birthday, Norma! My husband and kids are hot heads–they love all things spicy! There's definitely a crowd out there that loves the hot stuff. I like it too, as long as it's not too hot;).

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