From beyond the Fourth Wall: Fictional characters are outraged by idiot reviewers. Unable to remain silent, some of them are here to do a roundtable discussion on the topic. From Chasing the Wind, we have Connor Mackenzie and Lynne Raven; from Final Hours, Jamie Randall and Kate McAllister; from Dance of the Gods, Alexander Kiriakis and Meredith Courtney; from Angels at Midnight, Collin Deverell and Ashley Gordon. Welcome, everyone.
JAMIE: Could we just dispense with the BS and get on with it?
INTRUDER: You sound angry.
ALEXANDER: He is. He gets a great deal of negativity because he’s an adulterer.
CONNOR: At least your reviewers were just making a commentary on your circumstances. We had morons who didn’t get that there was more than one first-person point of view. Pay attention!
JAMIE: Morons…the one species that will never be extinct.
ALEXANDER: We received one bad review…but it was at least from Publishers Weekly, from a reviewer who had more than a room-temperature IQ.
LYNNE: My personal favorite was the reviewer who started off with “Am I missing something?” Yes! A brain! Go to Oz. See if the Wizard will give you one!
COLLIN: I don’t recall us ever getting any bad reviews.Even Romantic Times gave us a good one.
ASHLEY: But our reviews all came from professional reviewers, after all. They didn’t hide behind anonymous postings. And we did get one on Amazon who objected to our story having too much sex.
CONNOR: How does anyone have too much sex?
Lynne slaps him playfully.
LYNNE: If one has something to say, they should at least have the backbone to identify themselves. Most of these reviewers don’t. Look at their profiles…usually no names, nothing to identify themselves.
MEREDITH: And in the Amazon forums, they say authors shouldn’t be allowed to comment on reader reviews. What are they afraid of?
KATE: If they believe they’ve made an honest evaluation of the material, they should own it.
JAMIE: What are they afraid of? Retaliation, maybe? Some of them are authors who don’t want a bad review in return. One author even posted on her blog that she will be doing reviews but not under her own name. I wonder who she’s planning to do a hatchet job on?
LYNNE: Everyone who didn’t like her book, maybe?
MEREDITH: In other words, they can dish it out but can’t take it.
CONNOR: In a word, cowards.
COLLIN: If you’re going to post a review, post your name, too. If you don’t believe in your review enough to own it, then shut up!
INTRUDER: Thank you, all of you, for your participation.
Rumor has it an army of fictional characters is forming to storm the fourth wall and take all idiot reviewers prisoner. Remember you heard it here first!
ASHLEY: It’s a good thing you didn’t invite the characters from An Army of Angels. Those Cantwell brothers get pretty rowdy.
INTRUDER: Their book isn’t published yet. They have no reviews to discuss.
As if on cue, the five Cantwell brothers–Paulie, Mike, J.J., Randy and Chuck–barge in, gathering around the table….
PAULIE: Hey, are we late?
MIKE: You guys didn’t start the party without us, did you?
INTRUDER: Uh, this is a discussion of idiot reviewers. Your book isn’t published yet and therefore has no reviews.
J.J.: You have a point there.
PAULIE: Those morons better not give us bad reviews–right, guys?
They mumble among themselves and nod in agreement.
PAULIE: Anybody gives us a bad review, we pay them a visit. In person.
CHUCK: Nobody wants a visit from us. Just ask Robyn.
MIKE: We’ll teach those bozos a lesson!
JAMIE: How did you guys get past your keeper?
MIKE: Oh, it wasn’t hard at all, we–
Paulie slaps him upside the head.
RANDY: Don’t tell them, stupid!
PAULIE: Speaking of morons….