After months of dogged pursuit, the notorious Cantwells have finally agreed to sit down with this reporter and talk about life, love, their kid sister and their famous brother-in-law. Thanks for the exclusive, gentlemen.
MIKE: Gentlemen? Where?
PAULIE: She means us, stupid.
J.J.: You’ll have to excuse Mike. He’s not all there, if you know what I mean.
INTRUDER: Not all there?
RANDY: He had a do-it-yourself lobotomy a few years back.
MIKE: That was an accident!
PAULIE: He has a metal thing in his head. Makes the TSA guys nuts when he flies.
INTRUDER: Is it true you boys grew up in a commune? That your parents were hippies?
PAULIE : I knew this was gonna come up. Yep. Mom and Dad were flower children and we all lived in a commune. They didn’t turn respectable until most of us were adults.
CHUCK: They grew their own pot.
J.J.: You don’t have to tell everything, douchebag!
INTRUDER: I’ve heard they gave all of you hippie names and that you later had them legally changed.
PAULIE: I knew it! I was under the impression we were here to talk about Alex!
RANDY: It’s true. My name was Free. Robyn was Karma. Mike was Peace–
J.J.: And he even misspelled that!
RANDY: Yeah. He kept spelling it “Piece.”
INTRUDER: And the rest of you–what were your given names?
J.J.: I was Wind.
MIKE: We used to call him Breaking Wind.
J.J.: We still call you Lameass.
CHUCK: I was Star. Paulie was–
PAULIE: Shut up, Lameass!
MIKE: I didn’t say anything.
J.J.: Paulie’s name was Sunshine. Does he look like Sunshine to you?
RANDY: Maybe it was the blond hair….
INTRUDER: Your sister, Robyn, is married to the up-and-coming artist, Alex Stewart. What’s he like?
PAULIE: I had my doubts about him at first. He was living in a homeless shelter when she met him, for crying out loud! But he’s cool…even though he’s pretty tight-lipped about where he’s from and all.
INTRUDER: You don’t know anything about his past?
J.J.: I think Robyn knows, but she hasn’t told us anything.
INTRUDER: Cassandra Adrian bought one entire series at his first show.
PAULIE: Yeah. The Images of Hell series.
INTRUDER: She declared it to be his best work, did she not?
MIKE: Yeah, but coming from her….
J.J.: She’s a strange one. All the charm of a cobra.
INTRUDER: You didn’t like the paintings?
PAULIE: They were creepy. Even Alex thought they were creepy.
RANDY: He said they came from his nightmares.
CHUCK: I’ve had weird nightmares, but that stuff’s beyond weird.
MIKE: It’s the kind of stuff that gives you nightmares.
INTRUDER: Cassandra Adrian is one of the world’s foremost authorities–
PAULIE: On torture? That’s what this boiled down to. People being tortured.
INTRUDER: Why did Alex paint them, then?
PAULIE: He said he didn’t feel like he had any choice. Something was making him do it.
MIKE: You know, like that old comedy bit, “The devil made me do it.”
INTRUDER: You think the devil made him do it?
PAULIE: Don’t be silly. The devil’s just something you see when you’re on a bad acid trip.
INTRUDER: Thank you for your time, gentlemen….