From the Pages of the International Intruder: the Cantwell Brothers Tell All

After months of dogged pursuit, the notorious Cantwells have finally agreed to sit down with this reporter and talk about life, love, their kid sister and their famous brother-in-law. Thanks for the exclusive, gentlemen.

MIKE: Gentlemen? Where?

PAULIE: She means us, stupid.

J.J.: You’ll have to excuse Mike. He’s not all there, if you know what I mean.

INTRUDER: Not all there?

RANDY: He had a do-it-yourself lobotomy a few years back.

MIKE: That was an accident!

PAULIE: He has a metal thing in his head. Makes the TSA guys nuts when he flies.

INTRUDER: Is it true you boys grew up in a commune? That your parents were hippies?

PAULIE : I knew this was gonna come up. Yep. Mom and Dad were flower children and we all lived in a commune.  They didn’t turn respectable until most of us were adults.

CHUCK: They grew their own pot.

J.J.: You don’t have to tell everything, douchebag!

INTRUDER: I’ve heard they gave all of you hippie names and that you later had them legally changed.

PAULIE: I knew it! I was under the impression we were here to talk about Alex!

RANDY: It’s true. My name was Free. Robyn was Karma. Mike was Peace–

J.J.: And he even misspelled that!

RANDY: Yeah. He kept spelling it “Piece.”

INTRUDER: And the rest of you–what were your given names?

J.J.: I was Wind.

MIKE: We used to call him Breaking Wind.

J.J.: We still call you Lameass.

CHUCK: I was Star. Paulie was–

PAULIE: Shut up, Lameass!

MIKE: I didn’t say anything.

J.J.: Paulie’s name was Sunshine. Does he look like Sunshine to you?

RANDY: Maybe it was the blond hair….

INTRUDER: Your sister, Robyn, is married to the up-and-coming artist, Alex Stewart. What’s he like?

PAULIE: I had my doubts about him at first. He was living in a homeless shelter when she met him, for crying out loud! But he’s cool…even though he’s pretty tight-lipped about where he’s from and all.

INTRUDER: You don’t know anything about his past?

J.J.: I think Robyn knows, but she hasn’t told us anything.

INTRUDER: Nothing?

MIKE: Nope.

INTRUDER: Cassandra Adrian bought one entire series at his first show.

PAULIE: Yeah. The Images of Hell series.

INTRUDER: She declared it to be his best work, did she not?

MIKE: Yeah, but coming from her….

J.J.: She’s a strange one. All the charm of a cobra.

INTRUDER: You didn’t like the paintings?

PAULIE: They were creepy. Even Alex thought they were creepy.

RANDY: He said they came from his nightmares.

CHUCK: I’ve had weird nightmares, but that stuff’s beyond weird.

MIKE: It’s the kind of stuff that gives you nightmares.

INTRUDER:  Cassandra Adrian is one of the world’s foremost authorities–

PAULIE: On torture? That’s what this boiled down to. People being tortured.

INTRUDER: Why did Alex paint them, then?

PAULIE: He said he didn’t feel like he had any choice. Something was making him do it.

MIKE: You know, like that old comedy bit, “The devil made me do it.”

INTRUDER: You think the devil made him do it?

PAULIE: Don’t be silly. The devil’s just something you see when you’re on a bad acid trip.

INTRUDER: Thank you for your time, gentlemen….


4 responses

  1. A very cool, fun idea! Allowing everyone to get a little hint of some of these characters. I agree with William…this is a testosterone-filled pack. It will be fun to hear more from the rest of the characters as well.

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